


Someone to Watch Over Me

by merlins_sister



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Episode Related, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-23
Updated: 2011-09-23
Packaged: 2017-10-23 23:50:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/256478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlins_sister/pseuds/merlins_sister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John reflects on the events in Doppelganger. AU ending</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someone to Watch Over Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to the moment in Doppelganger when I thought they were about to hit the reset button.

Kate greeted him at her office door with a distinctly surprised and somewhat confused look on her face. John couldn't blame her; he wasn't known for his willingness to undergo her debrief sessions. But this time he had an ulterior motive.

He wanted to make sure she really was alive.

He had been through many things in his life, but the invasion of his mind by that son-of-an-entity doppelganger was high on his list of the worse. As things in his head had gone from bad, to worse, to horrific, it was hard to believe that he'd been lying unconscious, with his friends and colleagues desperately trying to save him. That he had to watch one cared for colleague die, one friend mourn her, and one friend die... he still didn't know how he didn't collapse in despair and guilt as the entity wanted him to. And now, three days after he was given the all clear, he still felt the flashes of fear that this reality would collapse around him too, and people he cared about would be dead again.

He had spent the morning bugging Rodney in his lab, until the physicist had taken to hitting him to prove he was real. Rodney did seem to understand what he was going through though; he had been in John's head after all. This John found both fascinating - he had absorbed their plan into his dreamscape - and terrifying - Rodney knew some of his fears. Not a comfortable place to be. But in the bigger picture not so bad he had decided. After all, people were alive. And after everything else that had happened in the last few months to have that... the depth of relief was profound, regardless of any personal discomfort.

"We did say 14.00?" he asked, as Kate remained at her door looking slightly stunned.

"Yes... yes, of course," she replied, gesturing for him to come in, slightly flustered at her stunned reaction. She moved quickly to her computer, shutting it down. She turned to look at him, a twinkle in her eye. "Just not used to you arriving in time for your first appointment." Her mouth crinkled into a smile as she recovered her composure. "It's usually at least two, three... six times before I can get you to sit down to an official session."

John had the decency to look a bit sheepish at that last number. He couldn't help it. He wasn't very good at talking about his feelings, however much Kate put him at ease. And she did.

He went and settled into one of the armchairs, watching Kate as she finished saving something on her tablet. Her hair was pulled back slightly, her long sleeve top rolled up to her elbows. He considered the top. Nothing remarkable about it, just a normal uniform, but then he thought about the nightmare. The top then had been different. As had some of the other uniforms. More stylised... tighter fitting. His mind flashed to how they had found the dead Kate in his dream. He felt himself blush at the choice his subconscious had made. A black negligee. Rodney may have noted the lack of women in his dream when he arrived, but it didn't mean that his mind hadn't been telling him something earlier on.

He really needed to go out on a date.

Kate settled on the seat opposite him, her head turned quizzically, John's blush spread when he realised she had noticed the pinkness in his face.

"When they found the dead Kate in my dream, she was wearing a black negligee. Do you think that was significant?" John asked in as innocent a voice as he could muster, part of him thinking such a comment was completely inappropriate, but somehow not being able to quite stop himself.

He waited for an eyebrow to go up, and possibly a disapproving flush to appear on her face. But neither thing happened. Instead Kate threw her head back in a loud laugh, her eyes twinkling at his comments.

After a moment she replied, "What I think, Colonel, is that you are lucky I'm not a Freudian."

And that was what John really liked about Kate. She had this image of reserve, and of seriousness, but John had a suspicion that was far from the truth. She was certainly far more complex than anyone gave her credit for. Plus, and whether this was training or personality he wasn't sure, she seemed to get him. Knew when to push, when to back off. He felt safe knowing she was watching his back.

A sense of terror ran through him again at the thought of a world without her. In the dreamscape it had been all about his guilt at Teyla's close friend dying from something that had started with him. The dream him had started grieving for her, but it wasn't until he was back in the real world that he started to realise how much he would have missed her if she had been taken.

Who would have watched his back then?

"So, how are you feeling?"

John shifted at the dreaded question, bolting down a quip that came to his lips. He had a strange feeling, despite his discomfort, that he needed this at the moment. Besides, for once, he wanted to make Kate's life easier, and not take her skills and patience for granted.

"Weird," he replied after a few moments. "I keep expecting this world to be the dream, and that I'm going to wake up to find Rodney and you gone."

She nodded in understanding. "It all sounded pretty intense in your report."

John stared out of the window, tugging slightly at his shirt. "Yeah, intense. That's one word for it." He paused before continuing, "Losing you and watching Teyla lose you was bad enough... “He glanced at her, a rush of guilt flooding through him at what was going to be his next phrase.

"But losing Rodney...“ she prompted, as if reading his mind, her face gentle and understanding.

"That was just..." He looked out of the window again, and fidgeted as he tried to find the words to explain. "Rodney has nearly died, or been lost so many times... but this time, to actually see it, to feel it... " John shook his head. How could he describe what it would be like to lose him?

"Why do you think the entity killed the dream Rodney and me?" Kate asked once John had focused on her again.

John shifted. He'd been wondering the same thing. The devastation he'd felt at the apparent death of Rodney was understandable, and made sense if the entity was trying to get him to give up his hold on life. But Kate? Even with his new appreciation of her importance to him he didn't quite get it. For some reason it didn't feel just about Teyla losing someone.

"You both watch my back," he said softly after a few moments thought. "You both know when to push and when to back off."

"Rodney knows how to do that?" Kate asked, an amused smile on her face.

"Yeah," John replied, a smile appearing on his own face. "You wouldn't believe it, but he does." He shifted again. "It's not as if Teyla, Ronon... " He swallowed quickly the instinct to continue with Elizabeth and Carson, squashing that loss inside of him again. "It's not as if Teyla and Ronon don't watch out for me, it just feels different. In there it was all about letting them down, not being able to stop something that started with me."

"Sounds a familiar theme," Kate commented softly.

"Yeah," John sighed, realising that maybe he had only ever said out loud to Kate the fear that haunted him.

He was to blame for everything. He had woken up the Wraith, and, as hard as he tried, he couldn't stop them. Every time he thought they had got ahead, something happened, or they paid a price in the process.

Someone he cared about paid a price.

He gazed out of the window again, for the moment not wanting to face Kate. She had paid the ultimate price in his dream for something, that, however unintentional, had started with him. A smaller echo of the bigger guilt he carried around with him.

"I can't stop people dying," he said quietly, and possibly not even to Kate. "I keep trying, but nothing ever seems to work." He paused for a moment before continuing, "And I'm left here to carry on."

He lifted his eyes up to Kate's. "Survivor's guilt?" he asked with a slight awkward chuckle.

Kate seemed to sense today was not a day to push him, her tone light when she replied, "Maybe... or occupational hazard..." John snorted a slight grim laugh.

"Fate?" she continued in the same light tone.

John's snort of laughter was louder.

Her tone was tender as she said, "I understand your sense of guilt, John, and I am not going to try and dismiss it. But I will say this. You are a good man, who tries to do the right thing, and you never run away from the consequences. It's an impossibility to control everything that is around you. All you can do is your best."

"What if that isn't good enough?" John asked, knowing the answer, but needing to hear it anyway.

"It has to be, because ultimately it's all any of us have got to give."

John wanted to shake his head, but knew the truth in those words, felt the warmth in them too. He looked at his counsellor.

"How come you always know what to say?"

"It's my job," Kate replied lightly, before continuing more seriously, "And because I believe those words, every one of them."

John looked on in curiosity as Kate seemed to shift awkwardly herself. She said quietly, "I know that in the moment of a decision only you can take responsibility for your actions and the consequences. But I want you to know that you are never alone in dealing with them. I am right by your side."

She had lifted her eyes so they locked with his, and for a moment the pressure lifted, everything that he carried with him, every moment of the day just gone.

"No wonder the entity wanted you gone," John said softly, eventually lowering his gaze. "You and Rodney...the two people who would never leave me."

"Amazing what the subconscious knows," Kate replied, relaxing back slightly it seemed at the grouping of her with Rodney. "Though I'm sure if you talked to them, Teyla and Ronon would tell you they are right by your side as well."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, but ultimately they have their responsibilities here, and I can be called back to Earth regardless of where I *think* my responsibilities are. Look what happened when the Ancients came back to the city and we had to go back. The whole expedition split up." He picked awkwardly at his pants. "You and Rodney were two of the few who kept in touch. And Carson." He looked out of the window. "Elizabeth had her own stuff going on, I get that." He sighed. "Doesn't matter now. All old history."

"Less than a year," Kate commented.  
“Feels like a lifetime,” John said softly, knowing the grief still mingled in his tone if he thought too much of the losses of the previous few months.

“Do you and Rodney talk about losing Carson and Elizabeth?” Kate asked.

John looked up at her in surprise. “Not really,” he answered after a few moments. “Except when I can tell he’s having a bad day with it all, I tell him Elizabeth is still alive, and that Carson died doing what he believed in.”

“Do you believe those words?”

John looked at her, shifting awkwardly again. “We’ve talked about this before. Do we need to go over it again?”

“Talking about loss helps, you know that. The fact you are still dealing with such losses probably made you more vulnerable to this entity. You’ve said before this group here is more like family than your own is to you. You’ve lost two members of that family in reality, in the dreamscape you lost two more. Maybe it’s something you should think about.”

“Maybe,” John replied reluctantly. “But not today.” He looked up at Kate, and hoped she would take the hint,

“Okay, not today,” she smiled. “I just don’t want you to stop making bonds with people here because you’re dealing with losing people you love. If Rodney and I had died in reality, I wouldn’t want you knowing us, or Elizabeth, or Carson, to be in vain.”

John felt a rush of warmth towards the woman in front of him. It was so easy to dismiss what she did in this place, but how many nightmares had she chased away from how many people? How many times had she managed to help people hold on to their humanity in the face of all the grief and loss this place could bring?

“I would never forget you, Kate,” he said softly. “Or what you’ve taught me. I promise.”

A rush of the softest pink spread across Kate’s face. “That’s good to know, Colonel,” she said quietly.

A silence fell over them, but it was a comfortable one. John gazed out of the window for a moment, just allowing himself to feel a rare moment of peace. When he turned back to Kate he moved and pulled himself up straighter. He caught Kate’s smile at the movement, and he knew that she had learnt to read him far too well. He’s ready to finish for today, and he sensed she’s not going to push for longer. She’ll find him later, check in with him over a coffee, ask those questions that seem so innocent, but he knows are double checking how he is.

“Go on then,” Kate said as she stood up to move to her desk.

John smiled as he too stands up and starts to head for the door. He stops though and looks back at her.

“Are you going to be at movie night tomorrow?”

She looked up from restarting her computer. “Probably. Barring emergencies. You?”

“Planning on it. You know, barring emergencies.”

Kate smiled at him.

“I’ll save you some popcorn,” he continued.

“Sounds good. I’ll see you there hopefully,” she replied before looking at him with a mischievous grin. "Try to not get yourself killed before then.”.

John found it hard to return the banter, a wash of potential grief running through him again. Instead he turned back to her, his voice softer and more serious than hers. "You too."

Kate looked up at him, a slight surprise at the obvious emotion in his voice on her face. Her smile became more its usual gentle self. “I will see you tomorrow, John,” she said firmly.

John nodded, warmth that her determination left in him washing through, before he left to face the world. And protecting those he loved. Again.


End file.
